Karma’s a Bitch


* * * Excerpts * * * Karma's a Bitch © 2006 J.Gail. All rights reserved. Chapter 1 “Get up off my good pillow nigga!” Tony turned slightly from the Jerry Springer Show to look at Quanisha, then turned back to the TV just in time to see Jenna, the transvestite whore, take a wild swing at her lover’s girlfriend. He was laying on the bed clutching the silvery gray tassled pillow tightly. “Did you just hear me? Give me that!” Quanisha yelled at him as she snatched her favorite decorative bed pillow from his clenched grip. When she snatched it she hit Tony’s chin causing him to bite his tongue. “Ow! Bitch! What the fuck is wrong with you?” he looked up at her incredulously as he winced, fighting back tears from the pain. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t be acting like you don’t hear me when I’m talking. This is my GOOD pillow. Your lazy ass is up in here chilling and I’m trying to get ready for work. Why don’t you clean up that bed instead of laying your ass in it all the time? I swear I don’t know why I even bother with your dumb ass. Always sitting up here doin’ nothin’….” Quanisha went on with her rant as she moved about the room grabbing her gold earrings in the shape of a “Q” and spritzing on some designer imposter perfume she had picked up from G&G. Tony turned over on his back and put his hands behind his head with his eyes glued to the TV screen. He had stopped listening after she said the words ‘good pillow’ again. It was 12:40 in the afternoon and Quanisha was getting ready for her job at the supermarket. Tony, as usual, was laying in the bed with his boxers on and no shirt, watching his favorite program on TV. He loved Jerry Springer to death for the “wild girls” as he called them, who wouldn’t even flinch when asked to pull up their shirts. He had ordered the entire last season’s uncut episodes, courtesy his grandmother’s credit card of course, and never missed an episode. His entire day would be thrown off if he missed an episode of Jerry Springer. “….I’m through with you. Yo’ ass is more worthless than this cheap ass perfume!” Quanisha yelled as she threw the bottle of perfume down on the carpet. She went out into the living room to look for her purse. The living room was so small and bare that it could have doubled as a large closet. “Yea you wasn’t saying that shit last night when I was breaking your back out,” Tony spat after her with a smirk. He spat a little too much because a line of saliva came dripping down the side of his face. He reached in a quick motion to clean it off. Quanisha already thought he was lazy and trifling, no need to have her see him drooling all over himself. “Maybe I could get some good perfume, some Armani, some Christian Dior, some Gucci if you’d pull your weight around here. What the hell are you doing today? I know it’s looking for a job!” Quanisha ranted, ignoring his little comment. “Man quiet with all that shit. I got a few job leads, don’t you worry about me.” Tony’s ‘job leads’ consisted of the UPS commercial he had just seen on TV the day before saying they were looking for part-time handlers, and a heads up from his Mom about a job at the local Pizza shop, both of which he had yet to call or inquire about. “What you mean ‘don’t worry about me?’” Quanisha came back to the bedroom door and asked as she looked at Tony, still laid up in her pink cotton sheets. “I’m the one in here paying all the bills, cooking and carrying yo ass when you’re not at ya mama’s so you better believe Imma be worryin’ bout what yo ass is doin’. Nigga.” “Yea whatever,” Tony dismissed her without ever looking in her direction. “What?” Quanisha squinted up her face and looked at Tony in disbelief. He continued staring at his beloved screen. She finally just shook her head and walked over to the closet to search out her imitation Louis Vuitton bag. “You know what, fuck you Tony. Man, I don’t know why I even bother with this nigga…” she began talking to herself as she finally grabbed her bag and walked out of the bedroom, and then straight out the front door. “Damn! I thought her ass would never leave. Shit!” Tony said rubbing his forehead and watching the end of the Jerry Springer show. Time rolled by and Tony was suddenly awakened from his light nap by the sound of Quanisha’s phone ringing. He looked over at her oval faced alarm clock which read 3:14pm. He picked up the phone from behind the clock and spoke. “Yea.” “Tone, man I knew I would catch your ass over there. I been calling your cell,” Tony’s best boy Scoop yelled unnecessarily into the phone. “For real? I didn’t hear it. But I damn sure can hear your ass, could you take it down a notch? I just woke up nigga,” Tony complained and then reached over the bed and fished through his black pants for his cell phone. When he found it, it didn’t say that there were any calls missing. “This burnout been tripping on me, sometimes it rings, sometimes it don’t.” “Well anyway, what you doing? I’m off today. They having a special at Modell’s on those Luggz I been trying to get man. $59.99, how bout that?” Scoop had a union job with the street workers who were supposed to go around and fill up potholes throughout the city. But don’t ask your average Philadelphian why there were still hundreds of huge potholes throughout the city. Unlike his good friend Tony, Scoop worked a regular, legit job. But Scoop’s main flaw was that he was a ho. A big one. “Man I don’t know why the hell you sweatin them corny ass boots. Ain’t nobody in the hood rockin’ them jawns like that no more man.” “Man I don’t give a fuck what the hood’s doin’. I tried them jawns on in the store and they fit like a glove. I need some comfortable boots for my job. They smooth as shit, and I’m going down to get ‘em before they sell out my size. You comin’?” “Do you want me to hold your purse for you too? This nigga want me to come shopping with ‘im. Like we some bitches,” Tony laughed. “Fool, like you got something better to do. Git yo ass up and meet me up 69^th Street in an hour.” Scoop hung up the phone before Tony could say anything else. “Dammit.” Tony hung up the phone and then rolled on his side. He thought about just closing his eyes and going back to sleep but knew that if he did he probably wouldn’t wake again until late that night. Plus his boy, who had 4 inches and 30 pounds on him, would probably come to Quanisha’s and snatch his ass up. His stomach was grumbling so he groaned loudly and then finally rolled out of bed. Tony was a brown skinned brother, standing at about 5’9 and weighing in at 175 pounds. He was a plain looking guy, but his quick wit and smooth “I don’t care” demeanor made him a favorite with the ladies. He stretched and shuffled over to the bedroom door, stopping at the mirror to take a look. The free “bring a friend” visits he had made to the gym with his cousin the week before were really paying off. His arms were nicely cut and he could almost make out the beginnings of a six-pack. Well, maybe a four pack, he thought and slapped his stomach. He finally made his way to the kitchen. He opened Quanisha’s fridge and searched for something to eat. He saw a whole pre-cooked chicken from the Acme supermarket where Quanisha worked, and instantly grabbed it. He threw it in the mic and opened the fridge back up to grab a container of orange juice. He opened it up and drank it straight from the carton. He carried it into the small living room and plopped himself on Quanisha’s brown second hand couch. The left seat cushion had a big dark stain on it. That shit needs to be flipped over or something, Tony said to himself and then reached over the coffee table to flip on the TV. Tony arrived at 69th Street sooner than the hour that he and Scoop had agreed on so that he could stand in front of the movie theater and see what fine honeys would pass his way. He was still wearing the same clothes from the night before, and hadn’t even bothered to take a shower. He leaned himself against the wall and jammed his hands into the pockets of his favorite black cargo pants. A few young chicken heads passed his way, not up to his high standards, but he still took the opportunity to stare at their shapely behinds. He saw his boy Black, who was an up and coming dealer in Southwest Philly, and gave him a pound. Black gave him the low down on what was going on in his part of the hood, and he and Tony busted up in front of the theater for a good 10 minutes. Not even three seconds after Black left and headed back down the hill towards City Blue, a pretty light skinned girl wearing a green top and skin tight dark jeans walked by. “Ay yo. Slim!” Tony called after her after getting a good look at her body. He jogged a little behind her before catching up and standing directly in her path. “What’s up wit you?” The light skinned girl smiled and shyly tried to walk past him, but he met her every step. “Where you trynna go? What’s your name girl?” Tony said with the most gangsta look on his face that he could muster. “It’s Tonya,” the girl finally said, putting one of her hands on her hip. “Okay. Tonya, I’m Tony. We got a connection already; we damn near got the same name. Where your man at?” Tonya smiled and looked off towards the street. “I don’t got no man.” “Well now you do.” Just as he was saying those words Scoop came up from behind Tonya and reached over the girl’s shoulder to grasp Tony’s hand. “What’s up my man,” Tony said smirking and giving Scoop a look. He and Scoop were always competing over women. “Yo hold up for a moment doggie.” Scoop returned the look and nodded his head. He walked up the stairs to the movie theater and greeted some people he knew standing around. “So listen, Tonya, let me get your number and we’ll go catch a flick or something,” Tony said pulling out his cell phone, not waiting for an answer of ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ When he was ready he looked up and nodded to Tonya to indicate that he was ready for the number. “747…….2382.” Tonya ran off and then leaned over to make sure he got it right. Tony finished up the entry and then reached over to give her a hug. “I’ll holla at you later tonight, aiight?” he said with a smile and then walked up the steps to where Scoop had gone. “You got that man?” Scoop asked. Scoop was a good looking chocolate brother with a goatee. He had just the right amount of weight, the right amount of height and just a little too much game. The women, especially the young girls, were damn near throwing their panties at him as if he were a Platinum selling rapper. To him there wasn’t enough time in the day to deal with all the women on his roster. “Yea, you know. That shit wasn’t nuffin’. These bitches is too easy,” Tony answered with a cocky smile, satisfied that Scoop had been there to witness him pulling in a number. He wasn’t as good looking as Scoop, but he had a way with the ladies that more than compensated for his average looks. They headed across the street to Modells laughing and talking. So much that they didn’t notice the Chevy Cavalier coming full speed around the corner towards them. Unfortunately the car made it’s round right after Scoop and Tony had stepped into the street. The driver came to a screeching halt as soon as humanly possible, but not after clipping Tony on the left thigh and making him fall back into the right side of the windshield. Tony turned in the same motion and his face and left hand dragged down the windshield before he finally fell back down into the street. The car screeched off down the street. “Tony! Tony, you alright man!?” Scoop yelled leaning down to help his friend and trying to turn to get a look at the license plate of the car. But it was too late, the driver was already making a right down Market Street. Tony had gotten hit, for sure, but not to the point where he was dying. He slowly leaned back up to a sitting position, and then grabbed Scoops arm as he helped him up. A girl driving one of the cars on the other side of the street was holding her mouth and bobbing back and forth in hysterical laughter along with her friend in the passenger seat. “Yea, I guess I’m alright. Damn. That muthafucka hit me!” he yelled, looking around and becoming extremely embarrassed at the stares he was getting from people on the sidewalk who had witnessed everything. A few young boys had started to giggle. He suddenly wished he had stayed on the ground and faked paralysis or death. “Shit man, I couldn’t even get a plate number. I’m sorry dude,” Scoop said patting his friend on the back and leading him back towards the store while walking slightly behind. Scoop turned to the right and closed his eyes as he held his lips together with his other hand and fought back a laugh with every ounce of restraint in his body. It was 8:14pm that same day. Quanisha reached down to pick up the quarter she had just dropped. She was standing at the payphone at the Acme Supermarket where she worked trying to call home. After trying several times in vain to pick the quarter up from the dusty white floor, she finally managed to grab a corner and lift it up with her to the phone again. She became lightheaded from getting up too fast and reeled for a few seconds before being able to see the buttons of the payphone clearly again. She resumed chewing her gum loudly as she put the coin into the payslot. Quanisha was born and raised in West Philadelphia. As a teen she regularly brawled with the other girls on her block and at school, mostly over boys and gossip. Of course because of this, she had a snap’s worth of hair, almost two inches, from it constantly being pulled out. She, like a lot of her peers, was forced to wear weaves and braids on a regular basis to cover her wild hair. The complexion of Tamyra Gray from American Idol, Quanisha wasn’t fat, but had wide hips, a thick behind and thighs choking beneath a tight pair of jeans underneath her Acme smock. She punched the numbers to her house phone to check her messages or talk to Tony and leaned her elbow on top of the phone while she played with one of her long brown braids. The phone rang once. Then again. Then for a third time. And just as Quanisha was shifting her weight and waiting for her voicemail to pick up she was nearly floored by the sound of a female’s voice on the other line. “Hello?” the girl asked as if she was answering the phone at her own house. Quanisha was silent as the blood again rushed to her head and her heart began thumping against her chest in anger. “Who the FUCK is this??” she finally screamed into the phone, startling a few nearby customers who were leaving the store with their wagons. “What? This Keisha bitch, who dis?” the animated female voice snarled back. “Who—” before the frazzled Quanisha could complete her sentence she heard a dial tone. She looked at the phone like it was starting to sprout sunflowers right before her eyes. “Oh fuck nawl,” she said and slammed the phone down on the receiver with all her might. She undid her smock and threw it off angrily to the side, grabbed her purse off the window ledge and left the store in a huff without saying a word to her boss or co-workers. Tony stood stationary in the bedroom still holding the phone in his hand as he glared dead into Keisha’s eyes, still dripping from his shower and holding onto the towel around his waist. He was half trying to figure out what he was going to do about Quanisha, and half brainstorming on which ditch was deep enough to bury Keisha’s body in. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he finally screamed as he slammed the phone down, almost breaking its red plastic base. “I thought—” was all the now scared Keisha managed to whimper out before Tony gripped her up with both hands, letting his towel fall to the floor and literally threw her into the closet door. Keisha hit her head back against the door and slid down to the floor. She shook her head side to side to stay conscious. Tony wasn’t finished though. He rushed over to her before she had a chance to get up from her seated position and slapped her hard across the face with his open palm. “Tony, please! NO. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” she pleaded as he leaned down and gripped her by the cut-off T-shirt she was wearing. “Bitch! I should choke your stupid ass to death right now!! You tryin’ to fuck with my situation?” he shook her violently, ripping the cheap shirt slightly at the seams. “What the fuck is wrong with you answering my girl’s phone! That’s my place to sleep you messin’ with right there!” Keisha was crying by then. She whispered: “Tony I’m so so sorry. It’ll never happen again…” “You damn right it won’t happen again. Cuz I’m done with your ass,” Tony growled at her and finally let her go. He walked over to the towel on the floor and started drying himself off quickly. He scoured the floor for his underclothes. “Tony no baby. I swear to you I’ll never do nothin’ like that again. I promise.” Keisha gathered herself and attempted to get up from the floor. “Get dressed and get the fuck out. NOW,” Tony yelled as he pulled on his boxers and a wife beater. He hustled over to the closet where Keisha now stood clutching her shirt together and pushed her aside roughly to find a pair of jeans. Keisha nearly hit the corner of the bedroom door from the force, but recovered just in time. “No! Tony don’t do this to me, I said I was sorry!” she continued pleading as Tony pulled on a pair of blue jeans and a black t-shirt from the top shelf of the closet. He looked at Keisha as if she were crazy for still being there, but then had a second thought. “Give me some money,” he demanded. Keisha just looked at him for a moment, partially shocked at his quick change of tune. He ignored her and walked over to bed to start fixing the sheets. He reached underneath the bed to retrieve the Febreze he kept there specifically for situations such as these. “How much do you need?” Keisha said quickly walking over to her bag which was still laying on the floor along with her gray jean skirt. She pulled out her change purse but before she could even open it Tony grabbed it out of her hand and pulled out all the bills he could find, about 80 dollars, and shoved it in his pocket. Keisha stood by silently. He then grabbed Keisha’s jean skirt off the floor and shoved it and the change purse at her before pulling her by the arm out of the bedroom and towards the front door. “I’ll call you alright? DON’T call me,” Tony instructed as he unlatched the door and opened it. “When?” Keisha suddenly got a backbone. Tony pushed her out the door, still dressed in her T-shirt and panties. “I said I will CALL YOU. Damn! You stand outside there for long like that and I won’t be responsible for what happens to your ass when Quanisha show up,” he warned and slammed the door in her face. Tony was starting to think maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to have women over Quanisha’s house when she wasn’t at home. It was too risky. Tony rushed to the back and scanned Quanisha’s bedroom once more. He squeezed a few more sprays of Febreze out around the room, picked up his black pants and shirt from the floor and thew them in her hamper. Pleased with the look of the room, he went into the bathroom and shaved as quickly as he could. He splashed aftershave on and headed down the hall to the living room where he leaned over and switched on the TV. As he was finally sitting down, he heard keys jingling aggressively at the door. He lounged back on the couch as if he had been sitting there all day, watching Punk’d on MTV. Quanisha flew through the door and rushed at Tony. She threw the hand up that was holding her bag and brought it down hard on Tony’s head before he could react. She got him. The blow shook Tony and gave her the opportunity to get in a few punches to his chest and neck before he finally regained his composure and managed to grab her hands and hold her back as he got up from the couch. “Baby! Baby what the hell is wrong with you? Calm down,” he tried to persuade her. “Where the fuck is she?? Where is that bitch. Imma kill that bitch!” she screamed obscenities as she struggled wildy to break loose from Tony’s grip. “What? What the hell are you talking about she?” “Nigga don’t play dumb with me! I heard that bitch. She got the nerve to be in my house and put her hands on my phone?!?! Imma kill the ho!” she spat and finally got away from Tony. She ran into the back room and searched for Keisha, but didn’t find anything, but a fresh smelling bedroom, and no sign of a woman in the bathroom. Tony followed behind her. “’Nish, I really don’t know what you talkin’ about right now, but you need to calm the fuck down,” Tony said through clenched teeth, feigning anger. “Nigga that bitch answered my phone. How you gonna try to tell me different? Where is she?” she said walking right up to within an inch from his face and throwing her finger up towards his head. She stood only two inches shorter than Tony. “Nish, I’m telling you, I don’t know what you talkin’ about. I only been here for a half hour, I was watching Punk’d on TV!” “Then who the fuck just answered my phone earlier. Some bitch Keisha answered my phone! Explain that shit!” she pushed her finger into the side of his face. Tony grit his teeth before continuing with his lies. “Girl that phone ain’t ring since I been here. You probably called the wrong number. Ever think of that?” Quanisha huffed, out of breath, and looked around, then at the floor and finally back up to Tony, still seemingly unconvinced. She cocked her head to the side and listened. “Nish, alright, peep this,” Tony said, confident that he was getting through to her. “Punk’d about to go off TV right now. This was the one where they punked Omarion, Ashanti and that dude, uh, Bro-man. Tell me how I know that if I wasn’t watching it since I came home? Huh?” Quanisha leaned forward past Tony’s frame and looked at the TV, then stood back with her weight on one leg and her arms crossed. “You gotta stop this shit. Always trying to accuse me of some shit. I’m out there tryin’ to make a couple dollars to help you with the bills and I gotta come home to this. Look, I even got something for you.” He reached into his pocket for the $80 he had taken from Keisha. He counted off $50 and waved it in her face. “I helped Jimmy out today and was gonna go get you that designer perfume shit you was bitchin’ about this morning, but since you wanna keep bitchin’…” A smile grew across Quanisha’s face and she snatched the $50 out of his hand. “Tony, you was gonna go get me my perfume? That is soooo sweet,” she said, melting to the gesture. She opened her arms and embraced Tony in a long hug. Tony smiled a devious smile mixed with both relief and the satisfaction of knowing that for the 3rd time that day, he was going to have sex. * * * Later that night, after a long session with Quanisha, Tony suddenly awoke from his sleep and had the overwhelming urge to pee. He eased himself out of the bed from underneath Quanisha, who only shifted slightly before resuming her loud snores. Tony made his way to the bathroom and lifted the toilet seat cover quickly, without bothering to even shut the door or cut the light on. He was still half asleep, and he had to go bad. Surpisingly at first nothing came out, so he had to jingle and shake a little. Finally a stream came. “Ow!” he shrieked and winced in pain at the burning sensation he felt. ‘Half asleep’ changed to ‘fully awake’ real fast. He held it in again and stood in confusion and disbelief. Still having to go, he reached over, closed the bathroom door and switched on the light which was also wired to the fan causing a whirring sound to fill the bathroom. He let loose again and felt the same horrible feeling. “Owwwwwwwwwww shit!” he squealed like a girl, as quietly as possible and endured the pain that seemed to last an eternity. Once finally drained, he looked down at his penis which was red and swollen at the tip with wide eyes. “Oh fuck no! I got burnt!” he groaned. After a long inspection of his private area, he closed the toilet seat cover and sat down. How could I let this happen? he thought as he looked back down at his opening, which was now secreting a yellow puss-like fluid. “NO!” he half whispered, half yelled swiping all of the products from the sink onto the floor angrily. “That bitch! Keisha! Dammit I knew I shoulda cut her ass loose. Long time ago!” he hissed and shook his head, not even considering the fact that he had slept with at least two other women that week alone before her. Michelle, and Zora…. one of which he hadn’t even used a condom with. “Tony? You alright in there?” Quanisha said sleepily in her normal loud voice from the bedroom. Tony quickly reached for the toilet paper and wiped his penis off, then put it back in his shorts. “Yea, I’m fine. Go back to sleep,” he said, slowly remembering that he hadn’t used a condom with Quanisha that night, either.

* * * Excerpts * * *

Karma's a Bitch

Chapter 1

“Get up off my good pillow nigga!”

Tony turned slightly from the Jerry Springer Show to look at Quanisha, then turned back to the TV just in time to see Jenna, the transvestite whore, take a wild swing at her lover’s girlfriend. He was laying on the bed clutching the silvery gray tassled pillow tightly.

“Did you just hear me? Give me that!” Quanisha yelled at him as she snatched her favorite decorative bed pillow from his clenched grip. When she snatched it she hit Tony’s chin causing him to bite his tongue.

“Ow! Bitch! What the fuck is wrong with you?” he looked up at her incredulously as he winced, fighting back tears from the pain.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t be acting like you don’t hear me when I’m talking. This is my GOOD pillow. Your lazy ass is up in here chilling and I’m trying to get ready for work. Why don’t you clean up that bed instead of laying your ass in it all the time? I swear I don’t know why I even bother with your dumb ass. Always sitting up here doin’ nothin’….” Quanisha went on with her rant as she moved about the room grabbing her gold earrings in the shape of a “Q” and spritzing on some designer imposter perfume she had picked up from G&G.

Tony turned over on his back and put his hands behind his head with his eyes glued to the TV screen. He had stopped listening after she said the words ‘good pillow’ again. It was 12:40 in the afternoon and Quanisha was getting ready for her job at the supermarket. Tony, as usual, was laying in the bed with his boxers on and no shirt, watching his favorite program on TV. He loved Jerry Springer to death for the “wild girls” as he called them, who wouldn’t even flinch when asked to pull up their shirts. He had ordered the entire last season’s uncut episodes, courtesy his grandmother’s credit card of course, and never missed an episode. His entire day would be thrown off if he missed an episode of Jerry Springer.

“….I’m through with you. Yo’ ass is more worthless than this cheap ass perfume!” Quanisha yelled as she threw the bottle of perfume down on the carpet. She went out into the living room to look for her purse. The living room was so small and bare that it could have doubled as a large closet.

“Yea you wasn’t saying that shit last night when I was breaking your back out,” Tony spat after her with a smirk. He spat a little too much because a line of saliva came dripping down the side of his face. He reached in a quick motion to clean it off. Quanisha already thought he was lazy and trifling, no need to have her see him drooling all over himself.

“Maybe I could get some good perfume, some Armani, some Christian Dior, some Gucci if you’d pull your weight around here. What the hell are you doing today? I know it’s looking for a job!” Quanisha ranted, ignoring his little comment.

“Man quiet with all that shit. I got a few job leads, don’t you worry about me.” Tony’s ‘job leads’ consisted of the UPS commercial he had just seen on TV the day before saying they were looking for part-time handlers, and a heads up from his Mom about a job at the local Pizza shop, both of which he had yet to call or inquire about.

“What you mean ‘don’t worry about me?’” Quanisha came back to the bedroom door and asked as she looked at Tony, still laid up in her pink cotton sheets. “I’m the one in here paying all the bills, cooking and carrying yo ass when you’re not at ya mama’s so you better believe Imma be worryin’ bout what yo ass is doin’. Nigga.”

“Yea whatever,” Tony dismissed her without ever looking in her direction.

“What?” Quanisha squinted up her face and looked at Tony in disbelief. He continued staring at his beloved screen. She finally just shook her head and walked over to the closet to search out her imitation Louis Vuitton bag.

“You know what, fuck you Tony. Man, I don’t know why I even bother with this nigga…” she began talking to herself as she finally grabbed her bag and walked out of the bedroom, and then straight out the front door.

“Damn! I thought her ass would never leave. Shit!” Tony said rubbing his forehead and watching the end of the Jerry Springer show.

Time rolled by and Tony was suddenly awakened from his light nap by the sound of Quanisha’s phone ringing. He looked over at her oval faced alarm clock which read 3:14pm. He picked up the phone from behind the clock and spoke.

“Yea.”

“Tone, man I knew I would catch your ass over there. I been calling your cell,” Tony’s best boy Scoop yelled unnecessarily into the phone.

“For real? I didn’t hear it. But I damn sure can hear your ass, could you take it down a notch? I just woke up nigga,” Tony complained and then reached over the bed and fished through his black pants for his cell phone. When he found it, it didn’t say that there were any calls missing. “This burnout been tripping on me, sometimes it rings, sometimes it don’t.”

“Well anyway, what you doing? I’m off today. They having a special at Modell’s on those Luggz I been trying to get man. $59.99, how bout that?” Scoop had a union job with the street workers who were supposed to go around and fill up potholes throughout the city. But don’t ask your average Philadelphian why there were still hundreds of huge potholes throughout the city. Unlike his good friend Tony, Scoop worked a regular, legit job. But Scoop’s main flaw was that he was a ho. A big one.

“Man I don’t know why the hell you sweatin them corny ass boots. Ain’t nobody in the hood rockin’ them jawns like that no more man.”

“Man I don’t give a fuck what the hood’s doin’. I tried them jawns on in the store and they fit like a glove. I need some comfortable boots for my job. They smooth as shit, and I’m going down to get ‘em before they sell out my size. You comin’?”

“Do you want me to hold your purse for you too? This nigga want me to come shopping with ‘im. Like we some bitches,” Tony laughed.

“Fool, like you got something better to do. Git yo ass up and meet me up 69^th Street in an hour.” Scoop hung up the phone before Tony could say anything else.

“Dammit.” Tony hung up the phone and then rolled on his side. He thought about just closing his eyes and going back to sleep but knew that if he did he probably wouldn’t wake again until late that night. Plus his boy, who had 4 inches and 30 pounds on him, would probably come to Quanisha’s and snatch his ass up.

His stomach was grumbling so he groaned loudly and then finally rolled out of bed. Tony was a brown skinned brother, standing at about 5’9 and weighing in at 175 pounds. He was a plain looking guy, but his quick wit and smooth “I don’t care” demeanor made him a favorite with the ladies. He stretched and shuffled over to the bedroom door, stopping at the mirror to take a look. The free “bring a friend” visits he had made to the gym with his cousin the week before were really paying off. His arms were nicely cut and he could almost make out the beginnings of a six-pack. Well, maybe a four pack, he thought and slapped his stomach. He finally made his way to the kitchen.

He opened Quanisha’s fridge and searched for something to eat. He saw a whole pre-cooked chicken from the Acme supermarket where Quanisha worked, and instantly grabbed it. He threw it in the mic and opened the fridge back up to grab a container of orange juice. He opened it up and drank it straight from the carton. He carried it into the small living room and plopped himself on Quanisha’s brown second hand couch. The left seat cushion had a big dark stain on it. That shit needs to be flipped over or something, Tony said to himself and then reached over the coffee table to flip on the TV.

Tony arrived at 69th Street sooner than the hour that he and Scoop had agreed on so that he could stand in front of the movie theater and see what fine honeys would pass his way. He was still wearing the same clothes from the night before, and hadn’t even bothered to take a shower. He leaned himself against the wall and jammed his hands into the pockets of his favorite black cargo pants. A few young chicken heads passed his way, not up to his high standards, but he still took the opportunity to stare at their shapely behinds. He saw his boy Black, who was an up and coming dealer in Southwest Philly, and gave him a pound. Black gave him the low down on what was going on in his part of the hood, and he and Tony busted up in front of the theater for a good 10 minutes. Not even three seconds after Black left and headed back down the hill towards City Blue, a pretty light skinned girl wearing a green top and skin tight dark jeans walked by.

“Ay yo. Slim!” Tony called after her after getting a good look at her body. He jogged a little behind her before catching up and standing directly in her path. “What’s up wit you?”

The light skinned girl smiled and shyly tried to walk past him, but he met her every step.

“Where you trynna go? What’s your name girl?” Tony said with the most gangsta look on his face that he could muster.

“It’s Tonya,” the girl finally said, putting one of her hands on her hip.

“Okay. Tonya, I’m Tony. We got a connection already; we damn near got the same name. Where your man at?”

Tonya smiled and looked off towards the street. “I don’t got no man.”

“Well now you do.” Just as he was saying those words Scoop came up from behind Tonya and reached over the girl’s shoulder to grasp Tony’s hand.

“What’s up my man,” Tony said smirking and giving Scoop a look. He and Scoop were always competing over women. “Yo hold up for a moment doggie.”

Scoop returned the look and nodded his head. He walked up the stairs to the movie theater and greeted some people he knew standing around.

“So listen, Tonya, let me get your number and we’ll go catch a flick or something,” Tony said pulling out his cell phone, not waiting for an answer of ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ When he was ready he looked up and nodded to Tonya to indicate that he was ready for the number.

“747…….2382.” Tonya ran off and then leaned over to make sure he got it right. Tony finished up the entry and then reached over to give her a hug.

“I’ll holla at you later tonight, aiight?” he said with a smile and then walked up the steps to where Scoop had gone.

“You got that man?” Scoop asked. Scoop was a good looking chocolate brother with a goatee. He had just the right amount of weight, the right amount of height and just a little too much game. The women, especially the young girls, were damn near throwing their panties at him as if he were a Platinum selling rapper. To him there wasn’t enough time in the day to deal with all the women on his roster.

“Yea, you know. That shit wasn’t nuffin’. These bitches is too easy,” Tony answered with a cocky smile, satisfied that Scoop had been there to witness him pulling in a number. He wasn’t as good looking as Scoop, but he had a way with the ladies that more than compensated for his average looks.

They headed across the street to Modells laughing and talking. So much that they didn’t notice the Chevy Cavalier coming full speed around the corner towards them.

Unfortunately the car made it’s round right after Scoop and Tony had stepped into the street. The driver came to a screeching halt as soon as humanly possible, but not after clipping Tony on the left thigh and making him fall back into the right side of the windshield. Tony turned in the same motion and his face and left hand dragged down the windshield before he finally fell back down into the street. The car screeched off down the street.

“Tony! Tony, you alright man!?” Scoop yelled leaning down to help his friend and trying to turn to get a look at the license plate of the car. But it was too late, the driver was already making a right down Market Street.

Tony had gotten hit, for sure, but not to the point where he was dying. He slowly leaned back up to a sitting position, and then grabbed Scoops arm as he helped him up. A girl driving one of the cars on the other side of the street was holding her mouth and bobbing back and forth in hysterical laughter along with her friend in the passenger seat.

“Yea, I guess I’m alright. Damn. That muthafucka hit me!” he yelled, looking around and becoming extremely embarrassed at the stares he was getting from people on the sidewalk who had witnessed everything. A few young boys had started to giggle. He suddenly wished he had stayed on the ground and faked paralysis or death.

“Shit man, I couldn’t even get a plate number. I’m sorry dude,” Scoop said patting his friend on the back and leading him back towards the store while walking slightly behind. Scoop turned to the right and closed his eyes as he held his lips together with his other hand and fought back a laugh with every ounce of restraint in his body.

It was 8:14pm that same day. Quanisha reached down to pick up the quarter she had just dropped. She was standing at the payphone at the Acme Supermarket where she worked trying to call home. After trying several times in vain to pick the quarter up from the dusty white floor, she finally managed to grab a corner and lift it up with her to the phone again. She became lightheaded from getting up too fast and reeled for a few seconds before being able to see the buttons of the payphone clearly again. She resumed chewing her gum loudly as she put the coin into the payslot.

Quanisha was born and raised in West Philadelphia. As a teen she regularly brawled with the other girls on her block and at school, mostly over boys and gossip. Of course because of this, she had a snap’s worth of hair, almost two inches, from it constantly being pulled out. She, like a lot of her peers, was forced to wear weaves and braids on a regular basis to cover her wild hair. The complexion of Tamyra Gray from American Idol, Quanisha wasn’t fat, but had wide hips, a thick behind and thighs choking beneath a tight pair of jeans underneath her Acme smock. She punched the numbers to her house phone to check her messages or talk to Tony and leaned her elbow on top of the phone while she played with one of her long brown braids. The phone rang once. Then again. Then for a third time. And just as Quanisha was shifting her weight and waiting for her voicemail to pick up she was nearly floored by the sound of a female’s voice on the other line.

“Hello?” the girl asked as if she was answering the phone at her own house.

Quanisha was silent as the blood again rushed to her head and her heart began thumping against her chest in anger.

“Who the FUCK is this??” she finally screamed into the phone, startling a few nearby customers who were leaving the store with their wagons.

“What? This Keisha bitch, who dis?” the animated female voice snarled back.

“Who—” before the frazzled Quanisha could complete her sentence she heard a dial tone. She looked at the phone like it was starting to sprout sunflowers right before her eyes.

“Oh fuck nawl,” she said and slammed the phone down on the receiver with all her might. She undid her smock and threw it off angrily to the side, grabbed her purse off the window ledge and left the store in a huff without saying a word to her boss or co-workers.

Tony stood stationary in the bedroom still holding the phone in his hand as he glared dead into Keisha’s eyes, still dripping from his shower and holding onto the towel around his waist. He was half trying to figure out what he was going to do about Quanisha, and half brainstorming on which ditch was deep enough to bury Keisha’s body in.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he finally screamed as he slammed the phone down, almost breaking its red plastic base.

“I thought—” was all the now scared Keisha managed to whimper out before Tony gripped her up with both hands, letting his towel fall to the floor and literally threw her into the closet door. Keisha hit her head back against the door and slid down to the floor. She shook her head side to side to stay conscious. Tony wasn’t finished though.

He rushed over to her before she had a chance to get up from her seated position and slapped her hard across the face with his open palm.

“Tony, please! NO. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” she pleaded as he leaned down and gripped her by the cut-off T-shirt she was wearing.

“Bitch! I should choke your stupid ass to death right now!! You tryin’ to fuck with my situation?” he shook her violently, ripping the cheap shirt slightly at the seams. “What the fuck is wrong with you answering my girl’s phone! That’s my place to sleep you messin’ with right there!”

Keisha was crying by then. She whispered: “Tony I’m so so sorry. It’ll never happen again…”

“You damn right it won’t happen again. Cuz I’m done with your ass,” Tony growled at her and finally let her go. He walked over to the towel on the floor and started drying himself off quickly. He scoured the floor for his underclothes.

“Tony no baby. I swear to you I’ll never do nothin’ like that again. I promise.” Keisha gathered herself and attempted to get up from the floor.

“Get dressed and get the fuck out. NOW,” Tony yelled as he pulled on his boxers and a wife beater. He hustled over to the closet where Keisha now stood clutching her shirt together and pushed her aside roughly to find a pair of jeans. Keisha nearly hit the corner of the bedroom door from the force, but recovered just in time.

“No! Tony don’t do this to me, I said I was sorry!” she continued pleading as Tony pulled on a pair of blue jeans and a black t-shirt from the top shelf of the closet. He looked at Keisha as if she were crazy for still being there, but then had a second thought.

“Give me some money,” he demanded. Keisha just looked at him for a moment, partially shocked at his quick change of tune. He ignored her and walked over to bed to start fixing the sheets. He reached underneath the bed to retrieve the Febreze he kept there specifically for situations such as these.

“How much do you need?” Keisha said quickly walking over to her bag which was still laying on the floor along with her gray jean skirt. She pulled out her change purse but before she could even open it Tony grabbed it out of her hand and pulled out all the bills he could find, about 80 dollars, and shoved it in his pocket. Keisha stood by silently. He then grabbed Keisha’s jean skirt off the floor and shoved it and the change purse at her before pulling her by the arm out of the bedroom and towards the front door.

“I’ll call you alright? DON’T call me,” Tony instructed as he unlatched the door and opened it.

“When?” Keisha suddenly got a backbone. Tony pushed her out the door, still dressed in her T-shirt and panties.

“I said I will CALL YOU. Damn! You stand outside there for long like that and I won’t be responsible for what happens to your ass when Quanisha show up,” he warned and slammed the door in her face. Tony was starting to think maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to have women over Quanisha’s house when she wasn’t at home. It was too risky.

Tony rushed to the back and scanned Quanisha’s bedroom once more. He squeezed a few more sprays of Febreze out around the room, picked up his black pants and shirt from the floor and thew them in her hamper. Pleased with the look of the room, he went into the bathroom and shaved as quickly as he could. He splashed aftershave on and headed down the hall to the living room where he leaned over and switched on the TV. As he was finally sitting down, he heard keys jingling aggressively at the door. He lounged back on the couch as if he had been sitting there all day, watching Punk’d on MTV.

Quanisha flew through the door and rushed at Tony. She threw the hand up that was holding her bag and brought it down hard on Tony’s head before he could react. She got him. The blow shook Tony and gave her the opportunity to get in a few punches to his chest and neck before he finally regained his composure and managed to grab her hands and hold her back as he got up from the couch.

“Baby! Baby what the hell is wrong with you? Calm down,” he tried to persuade her.

“Where the fuck is she?? Where is that bitch. Imma kill that bitch!” she screamed obscenities as she struggled wildy to break loose from Tony’s grip.

“What? What the hell are you talking about she?”

“Nigga don’t play dumb with me! I heard that bitch. She got the nerve to be in my house and put her hands on my phone?!?! Imma kill the ho!” she spat and finally got away from Tony. She ran into the back room and searched for Keisha, but didn’t find anything, but a fresh smelling bedroom, and no sign of a woman in the bathroom. Tony followed behind her.

“’Nish, I really don’t know what you talkin’ about right now, but you need to calm the fuck down,” Tony said through clenched teeth, feigning anger.

“Nigga that bitch answered my phone. How you gonna try to tell me different? Where is she?” she said walking right up to within an inch from his face and throwing her finger up towards his head. She stood only two inches shorter than Tony.

“Nish, I’m telling you, I don’t know what you talkin’ about. I only been here for a half hour, I was watching Punk’d on TV!”

“Then who the fuck just answered my phone earlier. Some bitch Keisha answered my phone! Explain that shit!” she pushed her finger into the side of his face. Tony grit his teeth before continuing with his lies.

“Girl that phone ain’t ring since I been here. You probably called the wrong number. Ever think of that?”

Quanisha huffed, out of breath, and looked around, then at the floor and finally back up to Tony, still seemingly unconvinced. She cocked her head to the side and listened.

“Nish, alright, peep this,” Tony said, confident that he was getting through to her. “Punk’d about to go off TV right now. This was the one where they punked Omarion, Ashanti and that dude, uh, Bro-man. Tell me how I know that if I wasn’t watching it since I came home? Huh?”

Quanisha leaned forward past Tony’s frame and looked at the TV, then stood back with her weight on one leg and her arms crossed.

“You gotta stop this shit. Always trying to accuse me of some shit. I’m out there tryin’ to make a couple dollars to help you with the bills and I gotta come home to this. Look, I even got something for you.” He reached into his pocket for the $80 he had taken from Keisha. He counted off $50 and waved it in her face. “I helped Jimmy out today and was gonna go get you that designer perfume shit you was bitchin’ about this morning, but since you wanna keep bitchin’…”

A smile grew across Quanisha’s face and she snatched the $50 out of his hand.

“Tony, you was gonna go get me my perfume? That is soooo sweet,” she said, melting to the gesture. She opened her arms and embraced Tony in a long hug. Tony smiled a devious smile mixed with both relief and the satisfaction of knowing that for the 3rd time that day, he was going to have sex.

* * *

Later that night, after a long session with Quanisha, Tony suddenly awoke from his sleep and had the overwhelming urge to pee. He eased himself out of the bed from underneath Quanisha, who only shifted slightly before resuming her loud snores.

Tony made his way to the bathroom and lifted the toilet seat cover quickly, without bothering to even shut the door or cut the light on. He was still half asleep, and he had to go bad. Surpisingly at first nothing came out, so he had to jingle and shake a little. Finally a stream came.

“Ow!” he shrieked and winced in pain at the burning sensation he felt. ‘Half asleep’ changed to ‘fully awake’ real fast. He held it in again and stood in confusion and disbelief. Still having to go, he reached over, closed the bathroom door and switched on the light which was also wired to the fan causing a whirring sound to fill the bathroom. He let loose again and felt the same horrible feeling.

“Owwwwwwwwwww shit!” he squealed like a girl, as quietly as possible and endured the pain that seemed to last an eternity. Once finally drained, he looked down at his penis which was red and swollen at the tip with wide eyes.

“Oh fuck no! I got burnt!” he groaned. After a long inspection of his private area, he closed the toilet seat cover and sat down. How could I let this happen? he thought as he looked back down at his opening, which was now secreting a yellow puss-like fluid. “NO!” he half whispered, half yelled swiping all of the products from the sink onto the floor angrily.

“That bitch! Keisha! Dammit I knew I shoulda cut her ass loose. Long time ago!” he hissed and shook his head, not even considering the fact that he had slept with at least two other women that week alone before her. Michelle, and Zora…. one of which he hadn’t even used a condom with.

“Tony? You alright in there?” Quanisha said sleepily in her normal loud voice from the bedroom. Tony quickly reached for the toilet paper and wiped his penis off, then put it back in his shorts.

“Yea, I’m fine. Go back to sleep,” he said, slowly remembering that he hadn’t used a condom with Quanisha that night, either.